He giveth and he taketh away

Thursday 21 February

Looming over me from the grammar shadow in the corner was my first lesson teaching tenses.  I was thankful that it was relatively straightforward, explaining the difference between going to and I will.  Give ‘em an activity, tell ‘em what they got wrong, draw a few timelines and other squiggles on the white board, kid on that I know what the hell I’m talking about and bish-bash-bosh; job done, knowledge imparted.  This is where you feel I’m going to divulge you with some nightmare horror show of how it actually went, with howls of pain from the students, and my tutors eyes and ears bleeding from a grammar holocaust.  Well get this; I aced it.  Best work he’s seen from me, everyone should follow my plan and procedure work, I’m an all round great guy.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I was a good example.

So I’ve been bouncing along on a carpet of air for the past couple of days, surprising myself that I might actually pull this one off.  Did my eyes betray me or did that cute waitress give me a double take in our chicken-and-tarragon soup stop every lunch?  I must remember to put a shirt on tomorrow.  I found a 1000 florint note in my washed jeans.  I bought a new underarm and I smell good.  It’s Old Spice.  I swear the woman in the 24 hour place wants to sniff me.  I ate langos for the first time and the greasy, deep-fried doughy goodness reminded me of home.  I’ve been doing the best poos in months, and my innards are not clogged with the stench of dead animals from 72 hour benders.  Life was peachy.

Returning from one such lunch break in high spirits, I’m handed an envelope with my name daubed across the top.  Interesting.  Now I’m not going to lie dear readers, but I actually had a slight inkling of what it might contain.  I fumble it open, and sure enough I spy a scribbled note inside, with a kinder chocolate to keep it company.  I am elated to report, that I had received my first teacher-student-after-class-note, with email address and the quite wonderful sentiment: “if you write to me, well that would make my day.”  I had a beamer on for the rest of the afternoon.

Of course the jokers came out in force, with plenty of age/gender gags, but it’s not going to dampen my spirits.  Actually not much did, until I shared my joy into the facebookasphere.  At the risk of sounding like an arse, I experienced quite a remarkable phenomena.  No sooner had I boasted of my apparent success with an attractive female student, than two girls who I ‘m actually very interested in (and who have shut me down previously for quite unrelated reasons), “liked” my comment.  There their names were, burning into my eyes, slapping my face with the wet kipper of rejection, wiping it clean with the tissue of optimism.  Signalling it’s OK for me to let go…

Now what the fuck is that all about?  Wait a minute!  THAT’S NOT THE REACTION I WANTED! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WEEPING FOR OUR LOST FUTURE TOGETHER!  YOU SHOULD BE BOOKING THE NEXT TRAIN TO BUDAPEST TO THROW YOURSELF AT MY ANKLES AND LET ME DRAG YOU DOWN THE STREET BEGGING ME NOT TO MAKE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE!  YOU’RE NOT MEANT TO ENCOURAGE ME TO FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE YOU THINK I DESERVE IT AND YOU’RE “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” FOR A NICE GUY LIKE ME…?!”

I use the term “nice guy” loosely for comic and poetic effect.  Women eh?  Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.  Right now if I fell into a barrel of nipples I’d come out sucking my thumb.

 

 

 

I’ll wait a day and I’ll send her a desperate email.

 

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Bitter; adjective. Cynical; adjective. Cupid; noun and bastard.

Thursday 14 February

I’ve just got in from another day of hell learning how to teach English.  I have been told a dozen more words and other such terminology I’ve never heard of.  I cannot explain tenses.  I don’t know what a gerund is.  I had to look up the words for this title to see what form they were.  What’s worse is every non-native speaker has got it down backwards, which makes me feel like a fud.  There are some serious gaps in my knowledge that some damn teacher will have to answer for.  Where was I when they were handing out grammar brains?  Was I smoking weed behind the bike shed?  Did I black out from ages 13 to 16?  I have a vague recollection of learning how to stress syllables with Shakespeare, which was followed by getting pelted with Smarties during break time.  Writing “I must not let other people bully me” as lines on a blackboard just didn’t cut it for my grasp of dangling modifiers.  My brain cells are dead.

So too is my love life, which has of late taken a turn for the non-existent.  Granted there isn’t much love to be found when you’re studying, researching, and attempting to teach for the first time for twelve-hour days, but this is ridiculous.  It’s going to force me into the temporary warm embrace of cocaine and hookers.  I’ve even been too exhausted to have a wank.  The only post I get from  dating websites is to tell me there has been no “action” on my page for a while.  No shit Sherlock.  Thank you for the gross understatement.

I’ve been wearing the same jeans for over a week as the washer has broken down, and my good white shirt has been stained blue at the cuffs.  My one hoodie is riddled with bobbles, and I’m convinced I have rosacea.  I desperately need to get to a gym, otherwise I’m in danger of being thrown back into the sea.  Some guy chipped my tooth with a pint glass.  There’s too much ginger hair in my crap beard.  First world problems.

In short, dear reader, and as ever, Valentines day has me in my usual twisted mood.  If there was an equivalent of a Scrooge for these 24 hours of the devils own creation from the seventh circle of hell, manifested with the heartbreaking lonely scream of  a wailing banshee with a paper cut on her tongue, look no further than yours truly.  Bah lovebug.  At least I understand that “relationship” is past tense.

 

 

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S.A.D

Thursday 07 February

Having a series of people cancel their planned visits to see you/Budapest and being told by someone you highly regard that the only reason they liked you was because they were hung up on someone else, all within the space of a couple of days has its draw backs.  I also start my TEFL course next week which I’m slightly nervous about, with teaching practice as early as day two.  In short, the only thing I have to look forward to right now is The Man of Steel.  I have also shaved my goatee thing off because it was just getting ridiculously ginger.  I am over halfway through the Smallville series.  I keep losing at online chess.  Oh and my one night out a week thing has totally failed and I’m on the sauce.  First world problems.

That’s about it folks!  Cheery bye!  Hope you’re all having as much fun as I am…! Oh no wait now.  Valentines day is coming!  Yay!  Deep joy.  If anyone needs me I’ll be locked in the bathroom with a bottle of whiskey, a shotgun and a gram of smack.

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