Back in the (U.S.S)zadaR

Thursday 26 September

Well it had to happen.  After a whirlwind month of debaucherous shenanigans I felt that the only place for me until the summer ends is back in my home from home.  Solace.  I ask Mike and Kathi to drop me at The Wild Fig, Zadar once more to see the season out.  Here I will reside until it’s too cold for the coast, and the memory of long hot days fade into the promise of winter.  Here I will build garden furniture.  Here I will work night shift reception.  Here I will get into all kinds of trouble with girls I shouldn’t be chasing…

Once again I find myself falling for the wrong woman.  At present, dear readers, I can divulge little.  In the future I can divulge little too.  In fact I can divulge nothing.  Ever.  Apologies to be so cryptic, but my once candid approach to my delusional pseudo-Errol Flynn swashbuckling escapades will have to remain a mystery.  I have been silenced by necessity.  I could tell you a funny story about a seriously unhinged, backstabbing, gossiping, fishwife of a camp-as-christmas shit stirrer; but I don’t believe him to be worth the effort of my penmanship.  The tales of the past few weeks will simply languish in the ether of my mind.

So I’m building furniture.  Lots of furniture.  Sat and Ness, friends and owners of The Wild Fig (hashtag greatesthostelonearth) have consented to buying me power tools.  It’s an interesting and strangely satisfying day when you realise you’re more excited about looking at shelves of hammer drills than your are at Lego.  Imagine the joy of unwrapping Optimus Prime on Christmas day.  Now swap that for a jigsaw.  I’m walking around the Croatian equivalent of B&Q with a boner.

Then it hits me.  Optimus Prime.  Power tools.  Optimus Prime.  Power tools.  Oh…my…GOD!  Optimus Prime that transforms into a circular saw!  Megatron that turns into a drill!  Jazz could be an electric sander because he’s smooth!  Bumblebee is a reliable screwdriver with multiple heads!  Ratchet is…A RATCHET!  The possibilities are endless!  The market is empty!  It’s crying out for this!  And just imagine, all those dads and guys who grew up on generation 1 Transformers…well much like me…they’re the ones who are ready for power tools RIGHT NOW!  We’re in our 30’s!  We wear sweaters!  We’re difficult to buy for at Christmas!  Well not anymore!  All I need is someone with some serious technical know-how and this product will fly off the shelves.  I’ll be a millionaire!  I’m going on Dragons Den with no research, no figures, no background knowledge, wearing jeans and a T-shirt and asking for all their money for a 1% share of the business.  I’d be fighting them off.

Incidentally this webpage is copy written to myself.  The eureka moment previously expressed is mine.  MINE.  Don’t get any ideas.  If I get an Optimus Prime drill for my birthday I’m going to cry.

…and be DELIRIOUSLY happy at the same time!

So furniture.  Pictures of me attempting to look hot with power tools will follow.  I’m hoping this kinda stuff will get me laid.  Chicks dig this crap.  To be honest though and in light of recent events it’s probably best I lurk in the shadows for a while.  The only screwing is assembling a sofa and coffee table set.  But it’s going to be sexy.

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