Waiting to meet friends last night I had this experience. This is something of a unique post that I decided to pen while listening to what can only be described as a moron. This was – with a little editing for timing reasons – pretty much the entire “conversation” I was subjected to. This is what we’re up against.
For best results, read aloud in a heavy cockney (SAAAAFF LAAANDAAAAAN) accent. I’ve assisted you where possible. Also please note that although I swear like a trooper – I try and keep it to a minimum in my writing. Here however, it is not possible. Apologies for any offence, it was not intended, and the following content is not the opinion of the writer. You have been warned.
Shirtless horror show staggers his way over to me and collapses on the bar:
“AWWIGHT MATE HOW’S IT GAAAAAN AWWWIGHT?! JUST BEEN TRYING TO PICK UP THOSE FUCKIN’ BIRDS THERE! (still within earshot) SEE THOSE TWO FUCKING BIRDS THERE! THOSE TWO FUCKING COONS INIT? FUCKING COONS EH? HAHAHAH! TOTALLY FUCKED IT RIGHT UP DIDNNNNI?! FUCKED IT RIGHT UP MATE! HAHAHA FUCKED IT. I FUCKING STACKED IT! HAHAHAHA! FUCKSSSAKE! WHERE ARE YOU FROM MATE?! AWWWW YER A NORTHERN MONKEY MATE! HAHAH FUCKING NORTHERN MONKEY! HAHAHA FUCKIN DON’T MIND ME MATE I’M A SOUTHERN FAIRY INNIT! HAHAHAHA! WHERE ARE YOU FROM MATE? LUTON’S A FUCKIN SHITHOLE INNIT? FULL OF PAKIS MATE! FUCKIN FULL OF PAKIS. FUCKING CUNTS. THAT TRUMP THOUGH HE’S A RIGHT CUNT AS WELL ISSSNNY? TRUMP’S A CUNT MATE. FUCKIN YANK CUNTS MATE HAHAHAH! WHERE ARE YOU FROM MATE? HERE YOU’RE A LEGEND MATE! YOU CAN COME WI ME AND WE’LL FUCKING TAKE LOADS OF GEAR! AWWWRIGHHT! (Slightly lowers voice) We’ve got fucking loads of it mate – loads of pills, charlie, fucking everything. HAHAHAHAH! GONNA SMASH THAT BACK WITH YOU MATE AND YOU’LL NOT BUY ANOTHER DRINK ALL NIGHT MATE I CAN FUCKING PROMISE YOU THAT! FUCKIN LEGEND YOU ARE MATE FUCKIN LEGEND. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” THIS IS MY MATE FROM FUCKIN ITALY MATE (the gentleman to his left was actually from Luxembourg) FUCKIN ITALY MATE! HAHAHA! FUCKS SAKE I MUST APOLOGISE MATE FOR NOT HAVING MY SHIRT ON, FUCKIN LOST MY SHIRT HAVENNNIII? GONE AND LOST MY FUCKIN SHIRT! (Asks bar girl for his shirt – mocks her accent back to her when she replies). FUCKSSSSAKE I’M A FUCKING STATE ARENNNNI?! HAHAHAHA! WHERE ARE YOU FROM MATE? (notices I’m wearing a Star Wars T-shirt ) STAR WARSSS?! HAHAHHAHA YOU FUCKIN GERMAN! (?!) FUCKIN HELL I’M A STATE. I MUST APOLOGISE FOR NOT HAVIN A SHIRT ON MATE! FAAAACKIN HELL! HAHAHAHA I’M A STATE MATE. FUCKING STATE. HAHAHA! NOT EATEN FOR FUCKIN THREE DAYS MATE! HAHAHAH FUCKS SAKE! WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”
A short time later I spotted him falling about with similar catastrophes in another part of town. He’d no idea who I was.
Full moon party wanker
Waiting to meet friends last night I had this experience. This is something of a unique post that I decided to pen while listening to what can only be described as a moron. This was – with a little editing for timing reasons – pretty much the entire “conversation” I was subjected to. This is what we’re up against.
For best results, read aloud in a heavy cockney (SAAAAFF LAAANDAAAAAN) accent. I’ve assisted you where possible. Also please note that although I swear like a trooper – I try and keep it to a minimum in my writing. Here however, it is not possible. Apologies for any offence, it was not intended, and the following content is not the opinion of the writer. You have been warned.
Shirtless horror show staggers his way over to me and collapses on the bar:
A short time later I spotted him falling about with similar catastrophes in another part of town. He’d no idea who I was.
These people need our love too, right…?
Right…?!